Karl's Little Known Korea Facts

 

According to the UN Korea leads the world in:

 

Deaths due to grocery store aisle rage (ever since they started taping free TASERs to 1 litre cartons of walnut milk, it's been a real problem in Korea)

 

Country Western bars named after major Nazi war criminals. (It's embarrassing to say but you can get a good brisket on a bun at the Herman Goring Hoedown and ReichStampede in Jongno. I'd walk on broken glass for a basket of their KristallNachos.)

 

Holders of graduate-level degrees from Lego Hagwons (might have something to do with SNU recently purchasing the Let's Lego Academy of the International and turning it into a degree granting institution)

 

Exports of 16 gb thumb drives shaped like pick-a-ninnies.

 

Knock knock jokes based on "park" puns.

 

Knock knock.

Who is there?

Pak.

Pak who?

Pak who? Pak you buddy and the Hyundai Equus you rode in on!

 

Fatal traffic accidents involving no less than two drivers dressed as Hanna Barbera characters. (You might remember the big scandal in 2006. The Korea Standards Association was bribed to certify a batch of Hong Kong Phooey novelty winter caps as crash-rated motorcycle helmets)

 

Famous and Important Korean Inventions in the 20th Century

 

The Wedding Hall (invented in 1952, before the wedding hall people the world over got married in barns or sea side in Hawaii)

 

The lemon zester (invented in 1943, injuries from people trying to zest their lemons with forks has dropped to almost zero in the last five decades thanks to Korea).

 

Single purpose refrigerators (Contrary to popular belief, the kimchi fridge was not the first single-purpose fridge on the market. The kimchi fridge was technically the first commercially successful single purpose fridge. Before hitting with the kimchi fridge, LG first tried a fridge to keep chewed gum fresh.)

 

The child-proof childhood. (There have been only three documented cases of an adult born after 1950 claiming to have had a memorable and enjoyable childhood.)

 

The sneeze-guardless buffet table. VIPS introduced it in 1983 and other family buffet restaurants quickly followed its lead.

 

 

Additional Holidays Slated to Lose Red Day Status This Year

 

Dowoomi 도우미 Girl Appreciation Day (50ish ajusshis fought hard to keep this one but gave it up in return for a tax deduction every time they spread their legs wide open on the subway)

 

Pump Your Own Gas Day (Given filling up involves 14 people attending to your car, Korea was no longer happy with the 8% dip in GDP that resulted from giving all those gas station people the day off)

 

Teacher Bribe Day Eve, Teacher Bribe Day, Teacher Bribe Boxing Day, and Teacher Bribe Day Monday (hagwon teacher never got this string of red days off so it might not hurt us as much)

 

 

According to Travel and Tourism Asia magazine, Koreans' top five least favorite activities when on vacation in a foreign nation are:

 

5: Being asked to give free Korean lessons to Filipinos

4: Having to travel more than 120 kilometers from their hotel rooms to find a Korean restaurant.

3: Locals having no knowledge of Dokdo or the East Sea.

2: The local tap water lacks a pleasant and familiar rusted metal taste.

1: Evidence Autumn exists outside of Korean territorial waters.

 

 

Korea is the only nation on earth to:

 

Urge The Hague to declare Jed Clampett a war criminal. (I guess some Naver message board denizens misunderstood a Beverly Hillbillies youtube clip and things quickly got out of hand.)

 

Think high cheekbones are an unattractive facial feature

 

Remove "Failing to stop for emergency vehicles" from the criminal code and instead add "stopping for emergency vehicles" to the criminal code

 

Completely vaccinate its elderly population against color coordination and dressing age appropriately. (I believe they misunderstood a World Health Organization directive to eliminate polio.)

 

Dual zone major intersections as both traffic thoroughfares and children's play grounds.

 

 

Little Known Korean Intangible Cultural Assets

 

Intangible Asset # 386: The smoker's cough

 

Intangible Asset # 445: The white poly-cotton blend short sleeved dress shirt.

 

Intangible Asset # 177: Screaming under a foreigner's officetel window at 3 am on a Tuesday night.

 

Intangible Asset # 290: Intellectual Property Theft

 

Intangible Asset # 15: Pink Eye

 

Famous Koreans

 

Hilary Clinton (born Kim Myung Hee in Daegoo and was adopted by American Lutheran missionaries)

 

Barack Obama (son of a Korean woman and an American GI. Fact: His Korean grandfather entered his name in the family 호적 registry, and Obama is still required to do his military service if he ever sets foot on Korean soil again. He might get a position in the KATUSAS. Maybe.)

 

Bolt as in Bolt the Dog. He's actually a Jindo dog illegally smuggled out of Korea.

 

Yale University: Basically every student in every graduating class since 1984 and every assistant professor since 1990 has been Korean. (Based on a survey of teacher resumes on file at Gangnam English academies.)

 

[Home]